So I'm trying to find my ''swagger''. For those of you who might be confused as to what swagger is, it is that confidence in ones self that exudes to others. I'll be blatantly honest I'm doing this to gain the attention of women. While I'd love the attention of one particular woman, as I've already told one friend I have a better chanced of joining the Green Lantern Corps so the attention of ''a woman'' is acceptable,

So it falls unto me to figure out where my swagger is, Thus far most of my success lies in my body. Even at the con I was told I've got great arms, so building on that seems to make sense. It would be nice if I had the face it, I 'm not handsome in the rugged sense that makes women all week in the knees. No, I'm cute, To be more specific, I'm adorable, which has proven to work against me. But short of surgery there isn't much I can do about that.

Next to be examined is my personality and general interest. i've always thought I was an interesting person, but perhaps my weirdness is less charming than I thought and more, well weird. Also i realize I'm nice to a fault, however what I'm having a harder time grasping is why this is a turn off to women...

All the same, given all the things I've listed here it seems i have quite a bit to work on and not much time to do it. I'm 29, generally depressed and lonely, but I'm also just crazy enough to believe that radical personality modification is not only a plausible solution, but a fun one! Wish me luck!!

It's weird. I like to travel. And on long road trips, one of my favorite activities to pass the time is to stare into my new enviroment and lose myself. I like mountains and trees. I use to take pictures of moutains, landscapes and skylines that I saw on trips. I'd never do anything with the pictures mind you. But taking them made me feel like I'd captured something beautiful. But the weird thing is on a road trip, nothing amazes me more than, shopping centers. Sure for the most prt they all have the same stores, but for some reason shopping centers and malls away from home always seem more..... Well just more. It's probalby the whole "grass is greener" syndrome, but I just think it's weird that malls and shopping centers fascinate me so.....

Sure, it could be all of the sugar I had today. But right now I am feeling no pain. Today was a good day. Good friends, lots of junk food, DDR, and guitar hero. Really what could be better? And just before I walked in the house, I smoked the last cigarette in the last pack I had. I'm about a month or two shy of a year from when I started smoking, and hopefully in about 30 days I'll be able to post that I am very confident that I have kicked the habit. Tomorrow I hope to draw up and begin my new workout regiment and that by New Years I'll be well on my way to a new me. (Physically anyway)

Right now I feel a great sense of optimism towards the future. And I hope I can keep with it. If I can.... good times are ahead

Really quick.. Why does music suck soooo much now? You know music sucks bad today when as i'm sitting at lunch listening to my Ipod, and "I want your sex" By George Michaels comes on and I realize that this song is way better than half the garbage out today..... Thank you George Michaels... Thank you very much for not sucking.... Atleast not musically anyway.....

I've decided to start listing the Lyrics from songs that I feel help me identify with things that are going on in my life. Since this is the first time, you get two songs for the price of one. If you feel you understand what i'm feeling through the lyrics, or just have questions, feel free to comment and ask. I'll enjoy the feed back. Cya


Piece By Piece - Strata

I found these plastic parts and wires
Let's split me open at the seams
And rip out everything inside
Make room for all these new machines
Sew me up, pray that i survive
A brand new me
Piece by piece

Stay here and watch me bleed
It's a brand new me, piece by piece

I'll leave a black tear in the sky
To help remember what you've seen
And I'll set this place on fire
Just break and burn down everything
I'm made of plastic parts and wires now
I wont feel anything

Stay here and watch me bleed
It's a brand new me, piece by piece

My flesh, my bones, my blood
They hold my hate, my love
They hold my hate, my pain...
Just take a breath and walk away

Stay here and watch me bleed
It's a brand new me, piece by piece...





It's no good - Depeche Mode

I'm going to take my time
I have all the time in the world
To make you mine
It is written in the stars above
The gods decree
You'll be right here by my side
Right next to me
You can run but you cannot hide

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'Cause it's no good

I'll be fine
I'll be waiting patiently
Till you see the signs
And come running to my open arms
When will you realize
Do we have to wait 'till our worlds collide
Open up your eyes
You can't turn back the tide

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'Cause it's no good

I'm going to take my time
I have all the time in the world
To make you mine
It is written in the stars above

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'Cause it's no good

SOOOO, I had a very interesting conversation with some friends of mine tonight. We all realized and compared how we are all relationship "door mats". One of my friends was very vocal on this subject. She said somethings that made a lot of sense. I understand that I do go out of my way for women that I am interested in. But I've got to tell you the truth here. I'M SO SICK of hearing that the fact that I do my best to be a kind, generous and helpful person is some kind of character defect! Especially to someone that I am actually legitimately interested in! It is the biggest oxymoron in dating. Everyone wants a nice guy but no one wants a nice guy. Now I being the sick puppy that I am, I derive some perverse pleasure from doing things for certain people, with no promise of any reward but seeing a smile on there face. But apparently if I have any kind of feelings for this person, this is the kiss of death... But really by now I should have realized this on my own without needing to be told, because almost every relationship I've had where I've displayed this character flaw, has blown up in my face.

    Now honestly what I attribute my newly discovered illness to is the fact that I was raised by all women from a young age. And they've all gone for the guy who seems nice at first but has had that bit of an "edge". And I've seen the outcome of these relationships. I've looked these so called "men" in the face... And I do not want to be them. They give you the world with their right hand and take anything they can get with the left. They offer you their heart and soul for yours. And with those they also take your time, your money, your individuality, and you self respect. I realize that this is not all cases, but I have seen to many.... Secondly, when talking to my female friends many of them say they want a nice guy who is sweet, generous, etc.. And I "WANT" to be that guy. But if I display any of those qualities I am labeled as "too nice", put into the friend zone and summarily forced to listen to all the problems you now have with the asshole you turned me down for.

    Now I realize this post sounds far angrier then I meant for it to be. And I don't want anyone to think I'm upset at anyone. But the fact of the matter is that the friend who said all of these things is someone that knows that I have very strong feelings for them. I've told them repeatedly. All of our mutual friends know this as well. And I couldn't help but notice that all the specific examples that she gave for door mat behavior where all things that I do for her. It's like I said before. I'm not angry. I still love her. But you have to understand..... That hurt. To be made to believe that all the effort that I put into doing nice thing just to see a smile on her face, or any of the plans I may have changed to help her when she needed it where not only not accepted with the love with which they were offered, but were looked at with disdain and view as a sign of weakness...... Well seriously how would any of us feel?

    So the question is now, where from here? I have always prided myself on being a gentleman. Nice, kind and willing to help those I've love. It's a trait in me that has been noticed and complimented by strangers, applauded by family and coworkers, and had gained me many loyal friends. But now someone who's opinion I value most in this world has told me that my greatest strength has been what has held me back in the one facet of my life in which I have consistently failed. That the thing that has made me such a great friend, has also made me an unworthy lover. The question is, where do I go from here? Because I still have my pride. I won't become one of those same men I hate. But at the same time it doesn't seem like I have many other options......

OK this has me so concerned that I am actually risking write up and other severe punishment by blogging this at work just to get it off of my chest....

 The G.I. Joe movie will SUCK!!! Thanks to the wonderful people at Toplessrobot.com and WWTDD.com (what would Tyler Durden do.com) best site name ever!! I have seen a few of the early character shots from the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. Snake eyes, Scarlett, Storm Shadow, and the Baroness. Now anyone who saw my myspace page a few weeks ago has seen the Snake eyes pic and knows how awesome it is.. The problem is as awesome as it is we don't need the same looking armor on EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER!! Let's forget about the fact that the armors look like black skinner versions of the power rangers armor from the first movie... A big part of the problem is that the costumes from the old toy line is what held a lot of the individuality of the characters. If they all wore indiscriminant black armor in the cartoon nobody would have know the difference between Hawk, Duke, Shipwreck or anyone? Honestly the all black jumpsuits might work well for Cobra, But not the Joes. So now with such visual let downs as All black camo, The Baroness with out glasses and a Stormshadow with no mask (YEAH, I KNOW!!!!) we are now forced to depend on the writing to make the G.I. Joe movie a real american blockbuster...

Because comic movies have great writing...........

    At some point a study was done on Olympic athletes. It showed that on a mental level, it was actually easier on the athletes to win the bronze medal as oppose to the silver medal. The reason being that if they won the silver medal it was like getting so close to winning, just to fall short. Where as if they won the bronze at least they knew that they never had a chance of winning at all. I have come to the conclusion that I am at this moment, the silver medal of dating.

    I have a lot of female friends who say all the time that I am a great guy. I'm handsome, smart, funny, and great to be around. The problem being that most of these females are either women who have broken up with me in the past, or would never date me at all. I'm a great catch for any other woman, just not them.

I.E. I get the silver medal.

Now unlike some guys I know, I won't simply take my silver medal status and let that be the end.. Because when you do that you just let yourself drop down to a bronze medal, and sooner or later you don't even qualify at all. Instead I'm going to take the time to improve myself. Eventually I will either find a woman who will actually appreciate all that I have to offer. Eventually I'll find someone who will give me the gold. Until then I accept that I'm a work in progress.

    Also there has been a lot of talk lately about my tendency of  "stickin it into crazy". I have to admit I understand where that belief would come from, but I do still have issue with it. The first reason is because I do my best to see the best in people. And in each one of the "crazies" I've stuck it into I've seen a great deal of good and potential. Often more than they've seen in themselves. And in each case I have regretted the out come. But I still do not regret the decision. And the second reason being that let's face it, I'm far from normal myself. Usually the crazies are the only ones who will have me. Every time I've asked out someone "normal" I've been shot down. Or worst have never heard anything back about it and have been completely ignored.

    So it seems as if for now I'm still gonna be "sticking it into crazy" Partially because I still see the beauty in crazy. And partially because I'm not really left with much other choice.

Right now I wish I could find the something positive comic where Davan talks about sticking it into crazy but I'm not about to spend the next hour searching through the archives......

What an interesting day I had today... It's the day after thanksgiving, so naturally I had thanksgiving leftovers.. But that's not the interesting part. No the interesting part was my choice in company today. You see I haven't been able to stay in the house for log periods of time lately and I needed to get out. So I made arrangements to meet up with the most unlikely of companions. Chanel..... As I got up to Jamaica ave to meet Chanel, I ran into Jodi. And she decided to hang out. Which was cool, because the first time you hang out with your ex who cheated on you it's nice to have a buffer zone. Perhaps Chanel felt the same way because she brought her friend Katrese with her. So anyway we hung out for a brief while as we walked down Jamaica ave and went to the subway station and went to Jodi's house for a little while. Believe it or not Chanel was actually the highlight of my day.

I learned an important lesson today. When you are depressed the only thing worst than being stuck by yourself ad being trapped inside your own head, is being with someone just as depressed as you. I was at Jodi's for an hour and a half to two hours, and I think by the end of it we both just wanted to stick our heads in the oven and call it done. After this whole week and Vanessa and Melissa. I was beginning to have hope for the world again. After a few hours with Jodi and I'm back at square one. Time for a night cap...

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it's better if you do....
(Mark's away message)